As such, I've sat through my fair share of meetings where the guys are told to go on more dates (to which my roommates and I always looked at each other with looks that said "I guess we'll have to crank it up to two-a-days. It'll be tight but I guess I can fit one in between classes.")I don't mind it necessarily. It's just that I prefer the positive approach rather than the negative, talking down approach.
I actually once sat through a devotional/fireside where the speaker pointed out that if we were above 25 and not married we'd already given up 2 or 3 children. I heard that and sarcastically thought, "Wow. Way to motivate me to get married. When he puts it in such a positive light, I REALLY feel the Spirit! If my unborn children can hear me, I'm so sorry. "
I hate to say it but there are at least 99 better ways to tell us singles/lepers/sinners about the blessings of marriage.
Also, when people say, "You know, any two righteous people can have a happy marriage," I think, "Are you suggesting I form a marriage based SOLELY on our righteousness?" I think anyone would agree it's a bad sign if on the eve of our wedding I thought about my soon-to-be-wife, "Well, at least we ARE both righteous. Here goes nothing." In context, President Kimball said that in a talk about DIVORCE and marriage. In other words, he's saying DIVORCE doesn't always have to be the answer. I don't think he's saying hunker down and get married because that's the only ticket to the top.
The best talk I've ever heard on being single/married? Elder Richard G Scott's CES Fireside "To Have Peace and Happiness." It took such the opposite approach compared with all the other lectures. The others seem to take the "stick" approach. They prod you from behind saying, "Go on dates! Get married! You're lazy if you're not married! The girls don't deserve you if you're not married but take them out on dates anyways! Those poor girls! I can't believe God makes them put up with you cavemen with hairy knuckles!"
Elder Scott seemed to take the "carrot" approach. He motivated us from ahead. He painted such a beautiful picture of marriage and what it could/should be like that I and (hopefully) every other guy watching/listening couldn't help but think, "Wow! I can't wait to be married! Gosh! It really sounds like something I should be a part of!"A major facet of the gospel is hope. I think these talks should inspire hope (like Elder Scott did) rather than focus on what I'm not.
One of my most memorable Sundays occurred when my British bishop stood before us and said, "I promise that each and every one of you will get married. And I'm not talking about in the next life. In THIS life."
I appreciated that because it inspired hope in me. That's the power of positive thinking. As Adrian Monk once said, "Maybe I'm getting my hopes up, but that's what hopes are for."
Another of my favorite talks on being single wasn't even about being single. It was Elder D Todd Christofferson.
I remember sitting in the chapel, watching Elder Christofferson say these words. It was one of those moments (I hope you've experienced) where it seemed like the entire congregation disappeared leaving only my eyes, ears, and heart listening to Elder Christofferson. As he quoted Hugh B Brown yelling at God I heard echoes of me yelling at God. Then when he quoted God's response to Hugh B Brown it was like God spoke to me right here (I'm now hitting my chest gently with my pointed index finger). It brings a lump to my throat.
Plus, it was comforting to know that someone like Hugh B. Brown has also gotten mad at God.
What's the best talk you've heard on being single? (It doesn't have to be directly about being single)
Just had a few minutes to skim this, but I'm going for another, deeper round in the morning. I LOVE what you have to say here about being single, not sick, and especially hope. Awesome, Peter
ReplyDeleteElder Scott seems to get this topic better than most - see http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces011302/transcript/0,12108,1944,00.html. He says, "Don't judge yourself by what you understand of your potential. Trust in the Lord and what He can do with your dedicated heart and willing mind...Permanent, worthwhile growth is attainable, but not without great effort and the honest application of truth." I've taken advice like this over the years to mean: Live your life the best you can, and don't be too preoccupied with what you think you're entitled to.
ReplyDeleteIt's always interesting to me to hear the perspective of the gents on these topics. Thanks for your candor and honesty.
I love this so much. I have also felt this way and have actually gotten crap from guy "friends" that are younger than me about the fact that I'm not married...oh and they weren't either. Not everyone is going to get married, but if you do everything you are supposed to then God will bless you no matter what. I also think that those talks are given so much because there are so many people NOT doing what they are supposed to. It's like how every general conference a pornography talk is given. Now, only a small percentage actually need that talk, but it is given to everyone as a reminder and to those who need it, a way to change their life. So if you are dating and doing your part than just sit back during the talk and listen, but know that you are doing all you can. I do think that there are many guys that are still single because of their own choice. You my friend are not one of them. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's called "He Truly Loves Us" by Elder Koeliker. It is hard just picking one. There are several I have been listening to on repeat ♥
ReplyDeleteI had a roommate say that she thought it was a miracle whenever anyone got married--she didn't say it sarcastically, rather she said it like she was bearing her testimony. My then 19-year-old self smiled but thought, "That sounds a little bit of an exaggeration, but it is a nice sentiment." Then, after riding on the single train a few years longer, and having relationships NOT work out, I realized that she was exactly right. Even now, I look back and think, "Holy cow! I can't believe that it worked! I can't believe I actually found and married such an amazing person! The Lord is SO good to me." My marriage to Brian still remains one of the greatest miracles I've seen the Lord work in my life--the timing was just so incredibly right that one little thing could have thrown a hitch in the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteSo, Peter, I feel your pain. Really, I do.I loved your post. And marriage to the right person is SO AWESOME that it makes all the frustrations of single life somehow so worth it. I hope that is a good carrot to dangle. Also, light is attracted to light, so keep on doing all the amazing good that you are doing. Hot wife points really aren't a myth. She's out there, and she is going to be so amazingly worth the heartache you are going through now. Hang in there until then!
I like Elder Oaks' talk "Timing." I read that one a lot when I was single. Also, Elder Holland's "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence."